Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Questions, Questions, Questions....

"My first momma couldn't care for me? Why?"

"Will I see my China momma in heaven?"

"Do you think I have a brother or sister in China?"

"Can I write her a letter?"

"I guess it is kinda cool to know I have three mommies."

"Will I ever meet her?"

"Did I use a pacifier?"

"What was my first word?"

"Was I a cute baby?"

"Do you think she misses me?"

"Is it because of my cleft palate?"

"Why couldn't I grow in your tummy?"

*Deep breath.*

These are all questions that Shea and Avery have asked me over the past several years.  At first, the questions literally took my breath away.

Especially the first one.

I was so unprepared.

Shea was only three and a half when she asked me why her first momma couldn't care for her.

It was utterly heartbreaking.....

We were reading Shaoey and Dot: Bug Meets Bundle by Mary Beth Chapman and Steven Curtis Chapman.

We had read that book many times before.

But, suddenly at that time at that moment....

Shea asked about her first momma.

Shea asked why.

"Why couldn't {she} care for me?"

It brought tears to my eyes.  My little girl was three.


I remember telling myself to breath.

I should have known it was coming.  Right?

I was so unprepared.


These questions?

They are becoming a part of  "our normal".

These questions no longer take my breath away.

My heart still aches for my girls.

They are only six and five years old.

These 'topics' are so deep.

So primal.

So part of who they are and who I am as their mom.



Our normal.

Do I have all the answers?


Will I ever?


Do we ponder the fairness of it all?


I mean, what is 'fair'?

Will it change anything?


Adoption is complicated.

Life is complicated.

Bottom line:

Shea & Avery know and trust that they can talk to me about anything.

They know that I love them.




Even better.....

They know they are loved by a God who knew them and formed them before they were born.

They are precious children of God.

They are His treasure.

They are valued by Him.

They will need to hold on tightly to these truths.


Because I believe the questions will get harder as Shea and Avery grow older.

They will become wiser and more aware of the ways of the world.

The questions will be more complex.

More challenging.

And the answers might be harder to hear.

Harder to understand.

Down right frustrating.

Perhaps heartbreaking.

And I as their mother need to be ready and as prepared as I can be....

For the questions.

Because this is not about the answers.

Not really.

This post is about the questions.

About making sure my little girls feel secure enough to ask these questions.

And that these questions not necessarily define us as a family, but that these questions are just a part of who we are as a family.

These questions are part of:

  Our Normal.


  1. Wow, I am so inept. So unprepared. It's not that I dont want to discuss it - we just haven't. Maybe having a sister home will trigger some of that and we can talk about it together? I love the open approach!

  2. Thanks for this post. Dealing with big questions at our house too...

  3. Ahh, you capture it all so well. I love the truth you share about all the questions that come up and will continue to come up as our children grow.
    Would you be willing to let us feature this post on "We Are Grafted In" ( All we'd need from you (besides your permission, of course) is a brief bio and a pic to use when it is featured.
    co-administrator of WAGI

  4. Li'l E is four and we've still not had a ton of questions. But I suspect that we will, and soon.

    Today, I was cleaning out a cabinet and sorting picture albums. I came across a few from my pregnancies with the older kids and the one full of pics that China Care gave us after Li'l E came home. Out of the "corner of my ear" I heard Little Gal (the new little one I sit for part time) comment about who Li'l E's real mom was.... I handled it with the conversation about real vs. fake and let it stop there. But I have a sneaking suspicion conversations are coming.

    I'll be watching you who've gone before me very closely now more than ever :)

  5. Dear sister in Christ...
    You're right, they have questions. But you have THE answer. It always points to God!
    Your post was beautiful. Thanks for sharing a part of your heart.