There really isn't a lot of room in my pantry.....so, I'm not sure what they do in there. (??)
I know, doesn't that sound horrible???
The only thing, I think, they can do is just stand next to the bag of dog food. Kinda weird!!
However, this 'playing' does give me a few minutes to....ummmm,.....go online aand read blogs!!
Okay, who am I kidding?? A few minutes? Yeah right! A few minutes usually turns into 10, no maybe 20, truthfully probably more like 30 minutes!
But wait, please do not think my Littles are in the pantry for 30 minutes!!!
They are not!!! Really!
After a few minutes, before the bag of dog food can be knocked over, I will ask them to please come out of the pantry!!!
Yesterday, after I asked them to remove themselves from the pantry....please......
Shea had this to say:
"Mom, I am sad and a little scared."
I'm thinking this she's feeling this way because she did something in the pantry that she should not have done.....like maybe she scared Avery.....
Since Shea truly looked sad (and a little scared), I thought we should talk.
**********************************************************************************
Me: "Honey, what's wrong? Why are you sad and what is making you feel 'scared'?"
Shea: " I am scared of monsters. And, I am sad because I don't understand why my foster momma couldn't keep me."
Well, I certainly wasn't expecting her to say that!
Holy Cow!!!
I just asked her to come out of the pantry....
I wasn't expecting to have this conversation at. this. moment!!!
Shea and I have had similar conversations.....
But they have occurred at bed time not during the day.....
And, quite frankly, it's been a while...
(Insert panic)This was not the 'normal' time.....Ha! What is 'normal'? And this most definitely wasn't about me and my comfort level....
So, I had to put on my big girl pants.....and be the mom Shea needed....at.this.moment!!
Me: "Yeah,.... monsters can be scary! But, you know they really are just pretend, right?"
Shea: "I know, Mom. (sigh) They still scare me, though."
Me: "I understand. What should we do about it?"
Shea: "I don't know.....maybe you could just hug me."
Me: "Of course, come here......"
We {Avery, Shea & I} snuggle ourselves together....
BTW, Avery is very actively & intently listening to this 'talk'......
Me: "So you are sad about your foster momma.....????"
Shea: "Yeah..." (long pause) Why couldn't she keep me?"
Me: "Well, I think she was very happy to care for you..... until Daddy and I could come to China and adopt you."
Shea: "Oh, I didn't mean her....I meant my other mom."
Me: "Your first mom?"
Shea: "Yeah, her. Why couldn't she keep me? It makes me sad...."
Holding her closely.....trying to fight back my tears.....so she could feel free to cry.....
Me: "Oh honey, I don't know....I just don't know....."
Waiting for a response from Shea....
Me: "You can feel sad....it is sad.....I am so sorry...."
Shea hugs me tightly....Avery hugs me tightly....
Me: "Thank you for sharing your feelings with me."
Shea shakes her head....
Me: "You can always talk to me....about anything. I hope you know that,....right? I will always listen to you no matter what. I don't know if I will always have the answers you want or need....but, I will always, always, be here for you. And, I will always, always love you!!!
Shea: "I know, Mom. I love you!"
Avery: "I lub you, Momma!"
And then, they were off....
Laughing & playing!
Like a quick down pour of rain, this talk occurred....
Hard & fast....
Abruptly stopping....
All traces of the rain disappearing....
Oh, how I love these girls of mine!!! My 'pantry girls'!
Side note:
I am realizing that this is and will be an ongoing 'talk'.
And the more we talk about Shea's past (and eventually Avery's) and anything else...the more comfortable it becomes.
The more questions she asks, the better...she needs to get it out....she needs to know that she can...
She needs to feel free to do so....
I always get so nervous....
I want to say 'the right thing'.....
But, what is the 'right thing'????
I think that Shea and Avery however, just need to feel safe...
They need to know that they can express their feelings to me....
What ever they are....
And I am realizing that Shea is still a little confused about the roles of her foster mom and first mom...
We have talked about both of them before.....
She was younger....haven't talked about this in a while....
I am sure it is hard for her to wrap her head around all of this....
Foster mom
First mom
Me....
Oh my!!!
So, we will continue to talk...
Continue to be open & honest...
Just....continue.....
And then when Avery begins to share her past.....ask her questions......
Shea and I will be there for her.....
Isn't that what families are all about????
Chris,
ReplyDeleteHow beautiful....:) As moms we have to be ready for everything, don't we? Thank you for praying for us. We are waiting for God to show us His plan. I am just getting a little restless. :)
Wow! It's so good that you are being open. Just knowing that it is ok to be sad is a big relief sometimes! Praying for you to always have the words God wants them to hear!
ReplyDeleteIn Christ Alone,
Sherri
Oh, those talks...I'm already dreading them! It sounds like you handled the situation very well, though! I'm praying that God gives me the same grace and strength when my time rolls around! And if it makes you feel any better, my kids like playing in the pantry too. :) I just don't get it...
ReplyDeleteOh wow. It's so good that she wants to talk to you about these things. And I am learning so much by "listening" in. Thanks for sharing this hard stuff so that others can be thinking about it too.
ReplyDeleteI am usually prepared at bedtime. Oh, and in the car - the car is a big one, especially when driving in heavy traffic, in the rain, at night. Anything to make life more interesting.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good sign that she felt able to talk with you about it. And that another certain little someone saw how you handled it. I always tell people that we have it easy - we have the children who share almost everything - it's the little ones who internalize everything that I worry most about.
Wow. Great job navigating a difficult conversation. Isn't it interesting how they take "just enough" and then are done, just when we think we are getting started? The questions have started at our house too, mostly from my four year old. I'm stabbing in the dark with my responses, and am grateful for others who are sharing their experiences with these conversations so I can learn from them.
ReplyDeleteOh, and if it makes you feel any better, my kids like to get into the cabinet where Tupperware lives in our house and close the door. Not sure why that is fun, but they sure enjoy it!
That's great that she can talk to you. Our kids need that open line of communication, whether they are our adopted kids or biological kids. You are doing a great job, just being open and ready when she is.
ReplyDeleteMust go reapply my mascara now!! What a great example of how to handle that situation! I will be remembering that!!
ReplyDeleteT-Momma is right. I have two little ones who internalize everything and it is far worse! I am so proud of your sweet girl for opening up and asking you these hard questions.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a wonderful job:)
Sister in Christ,
ReplyDeleteThe love that you have for your kids; imagine that ten-fold and that is God's amazing love for you... and me... and the BIGs... and the LITTLEs...and everyone inbetween. Wow. Celebrating this moment of clarity with you,
Julie